I arrive in California for my surgery....

I arrive in California and my heart and soul turn to jello.

When we are at the hotel I feel like my feet don't touch the floor, like I can't walk to the bathroom, like I am trying to swim through the apt.

My strength evaporates into thin air.

I am trying to be a good role model for my children and I can't do it.

At one point they go out for awhile and then I start to lose it. Total fear, can't do the surgery, fear of dying, fear of a bad outcome, fear of waking up in a wheel chair.

When my family comes back, I totally have my melt down. They listen patiently to my concerns and fears. My husband says just think about it, you don't have to decide to do it. It felt better to be left off the hook.

I calm down and I know in my heart that I will and must do the surgery.

So many phone calls about my surgery...

I received many phone calls from friends and relatives about my inpending surgery. Most of the phone calls were well meaning, most of the phone calls scared the death out of me. I even had a few about if they were going to take my eye out. Most of them were how scary and once again, they knew somebody who died from brain bleeds. It was time to go underground. I stopped answering my phone and stopped calling people to tell them I was going to have the surgery.

It was just too scary.

I listened to music, went to swimming and tried to just ZEN out to the best of my ability.

The time for surgery had come....

The time for surgery had come... I knew in my heart and my body that it was time. I was afraid of having another brain bleed at any minute. So, it was scheduled through a lot of hard work, research, finding all my records, and many phone calls to Stanford U where the surgery was to be performed.

The date was set.

Nov. 2.

California, here I come.

Felt unsure after the surgery....

Felt unsure of myself after the surgery. Nervous to do to much so took it easy. I was still having trouble every time I stood up, unsteady and had to wait for the dust to clear out of my head.

Scared now that I could not put surgery off any longer. For the first time I felt myself wanting the surgery, and not waiting for another trip to the emergency room.

Northwestern hospital decided that

Northwestern Hospital decided that they were not sure what I had, maybe a migraine. Sent me home. Two more long days of being scared to death, waiting to have another brain bleed and that would be the end of me.