Live your life not your weakness

Life your life not your weakness are words that my son James taught me to help guide me through my recovery. I try to remember this when I am feeling down and frustrated or sad. I also have tried to embrace my weakness by using humor, laughing at myself, laughing at it , saying G-d give me more and I will handle that too, having support from others, helping others, praying for others.

One afternoon the carousel started up again

One afternoon I was at home and the carousel started up again. I was doing pretty well, having less and less vertigo and then around 4PM the room started spinnng. I was worried about hitting my head into the coffee table, and losing my ability to cope so I asked my neighbors to come over and sit with me. Janie held my hand to comfort me and to hold me so I couldn't hurt myself. Bill sat by us too worrying about me, thinking to call 911. I told them that was not necessary, just to be there and stay with me until it passed. I knew I was freaking them out so I calmed their worries too.

After awhile it passed and then it takes me awhile to recover from the episode which usually leads to a little depression. Then, it's on with the day.

Went out to dinner with new friends last nigh

Last night my husband and I went out to dinner with some of his old friends from high school. I had never met them before and they asked me about what happened to me. Normally when people ask me about it they only want to listen for 2 minutes and then are ready to change the subject. But, these people actually listened and I felt like they were really feeling my story. It was a nice change. And, just sharing the story with them makes me feel better. It is amazing how that works but it is true.

Hair stylist rodeo ride

In the first year of my brain bleed, and sometimes now, going to the hair stylist was a challenge.

The bright lights, it was too hot to sit under the dryer and the real thrill was the rodeo ride on her chair. Little did she know that sometimes that chair was flipping me back or from side to side, a regular tilt a whirl. Sometimes we would have to stop for a bit until I could catch my breath. But , it is much better now.

Last night didn't feel good at all....

I felt pretty good most of the day, and then around 5PM I felt lousy and throughout the rest of the evening. Little dizzy and nauseous--

I have decided to go back for an MRI since it has been 5 1/2 years since the first one. I wonder if something has changed, another bleed, I doubt it. That darn mind sure likes to wander.

And, I keep going back to how can I live like this the rest of my life? How can I not?

I think for myself personally I am going to stick with the subconscious knowing the real truth, but on a day to day basis just give it my best shot!

Sigh....

Just saw the news about the beauty queen....

I turned on the morning news and heard about an 18 year old beauty queen from Hawaii who had a massive stroke and died. It makes me grateful to be alive . Maybe she could have lived if she had been on blood pressure medicine like I was. Maybe she could have lived if her parents had checked with a doc, but who thinks and 18 year old with a headache is going to die... I was lucky to have survived my brain bleed as a child. So, this leads me to acceptance of my condition, no longer here to fight with it, but to work with it. My job is to help educate others, help others going through it as I help myself.

This week I have been meditating, doing light therapy, taking c are of myself. Feeling more at peace with it. Laughing at it again.

I now live for that beauty queen too. May she rest easily.

That was scary!

It's spring and I just went to hit a bucket of balls for the first time. I have been golfing pretty much since I have had my brain bleed. But today, I had double vision and hit like a beginner. I wanted to cry, but the instructor told me she is teaching a blind kid how to golf and thought , how can I cry.

But why, now?

Nicki