In the first 3 years...

In the first 3 years I felt like someone had punched my lights out, it was like having the birds flying around your head in a cartoon. when I sat down sometimes I would feel like I was falling into the table, or flying through the wall and the wall was coming back at me. I guess it was like living a psychedelic experience all the time.

When I was growing up I never liked the sensation of a ferris wheel or a merry go round like the other kids. My body was letting me know that this was not for me. I had my first brain bleed at 10 and had no idea what had happened to me. But, my body was always trying to protect me, to avoid situations that my body was not interested in handling.

Thanks, body!

The first 3 years...

Living in a topsy turvey world...

I am living in a Topsy turvy world... Sometimes I try to remember my old world, and then I realize that is no longer my world. Sometimes I can laugh, sometimes I go fetal...

It reminds me of Mr. Magoo as a child. He was always all over the place, not sure where he is going, bumping into things, running, always a bit crazy.

I think I am now Mrs. Magoo!

Tincture of time....

When I first went to the doc and was diagnosed with a cavernous angioma I was told that the cure was the tincture of time and tranqs to help you cope with the discomfort of the double vision, the vertigo, the feeling of flying through falls etc.

Little did I know at that time that the tincture of time has now put me up to 5 1/2 years. I really thought 6 mo.s and I would be done.

In many ways, it was better to think that way to get through those first 6mo.s to a year. Otherwise I am not sure if I would have been able to cope.

But now I am at 5 1/2 years and have had another brain bleed which has complicated my situation in different ways. I am better from the initial bleed and now frustrated with my new issue of BINO, nystagmus. Basically, the problem is my eyes are moving all the time , but not in harmony.

I have dancing eyes and I have to follow the leader for the rest of my life.

It should be interesting!

Happy 4th of July...

It's the 4th of July. We had friends over for supper and then had plans to go to the fireworks. But, I am exhausted, feeling depressed, feeling robbed of life. All those good thoughts of coping sometimes just leave me.... I can be strong a lot of the time, but then I get tired of being strong. It does get to you.

Skipped the fireworks and rallied to go to a friends house for a dessert party. But ya know when you are different, ya know when you are no longer like these other people, ya know that most of them are not going to get it no matter how long you explain ( if they even want to try to understant).

My dance of life is know dictated by my eyes who now direct the dance. Sometimes we flow, sometimes we are doing the watusi. I just follow my dancing partner.... The eyes have it....

It's been awhile since you've heard from me....

It's been awhile since you've heard from me... My father has had pneumonia, been busy taking care of him. Very stressful.

But, I have so much to say.

but tonight I only have some humor for you.

I now realize why Popeye always had one eye closed. He must have had a brain bleed. I am so sorry I did not understand that when I was younger.

And poor Mr. Magoo. Bumping into shelves, falling all over the place. I get it!

I am Mr. Magoo and Popeye all rolled into one.

Awful Thoughts...

I finally went to have another MRI, I had put it off since I first had one when I had my brain bleed 5 1/2 years ago. I finally was persuaded by my docs to have another one, deep down in my heart I feared it had bled again.

It did.

Awful thoughts start- fear, death, the end,pouding heart, you name it.

My husband was by my side to hold me up, lift my spirits, hold me close. Comfort me.

For better or for worse...

Awful thoughts...