Awful Thoughts...

I finally went to have another MRI, I had put it off since I first had one when I had my brain bleed 5 1/2 years ago. I finally was persuaded by my docs to have another one, deep down in my heart I feared it had bled again.

It did.

Awful thoughts start- fear, death, the end,pouding heart, you name it.

My husband was by my side to hold me up, lift my spirits, hold me close. Comfort me.

For better or for worse...

Awful thoughts...

Things I do to help me ...

I use a light machine which helps to retrain my eyes to work together. I have nystagmus which means my eyes don't turn together with explains why I get tired, have difficulty reading, etc.

I use the light machine everyday which is helping to retrain my brain to get my eyes to work together.

I go to tai chi class to work on my breathing to keep me calm.

I try to exercise to keep me active.

I have gone for therapy as needed to cope with my new life.

I use ear plugs if I am in a noisy place,

I use a visor to keep the sun out of my eyes.

I sometimes patch my eye if I really am losing it , feeling to dizzy.

I try different doctors and physical therapists and any out of the box therapy I can find or am recommened too.

I sing.

I listen to books on tape.

I don't even try to do things that I know can know longer work for me and thank G-d that I can do the things I can do and live the life that I live.

I have glasses with prisms in them to help the direction of the light hitting my eyes.

I write in my blog.

I stare at my thumb if I am really dizzy and breathe deeply.

I meditate.

I have started to pray.

I am going to try a shaman.

I thank G-d for the MRI machine which allows me to KNOW what I have. To think that people didn't know what they had years ago grieves me.

I rest every afternoon which sometimes I resent and other times I know this is ok.

Live your life not your weakness

Life your life not your weakness are words that my son James taught me to help guide me through my recovery. I try to remember this when I am feeling down and frustrated or sad. I also have tried to embrace my weakness by using humor, laughing at myself, laughing at it , saying G-d give me more and I will handle that too, having support from others, helping others, praying for others.

One afternoon the carousel started up again

One afternoon I was at home and the carousel started up again. I was doing pretty well, having less and less vertigo and then around 4PM the room started spinnng. I was worried about hitting my head into the coffee table, and losing my ability to cope so I asked my neighbors to come over and sit with me. Janie held my hand to comfort me and to hold me so I couldn't hurt myself. Bill sat by us too worrying about me, thinking to call 911. I told them that was not necessary, just to be there and stay with me until it passed. I knew I was freaking them out so I calmed their worries too.

After awhile it passed and then it takes me awhile to recover from the episode which usually leads to a little depression. Then, it's on with the day.

Went out to dinner with new friends last nigh

Last night my husband and I went out to dinner with some of his old friends from high school. I had never met them before and they asked me about what happened to me. Normally when people ask me about it they only want to listen for 2 minutes and then are ready to change the subject. But, these people actually listened and I felt like they were really feeling my story. It was a nice change. And, just sharing the story with them makes me feel better. It is amazing how that works but it is true.

Hair stylist rodeo ride

In the first year of my brain bleed, and sometimes now, going to the hair stylist was a challenge.

The bright lights, it was too hot to sit under the dryer and the real thrill was the rodeo ride on her chair. Little did she know that sometimes that chair was flipping me back or from side to side, a regular tilt a whirl. Sometimes we would have to stop for a bit until I could catch my breath. But , it is much better now.

Last night didn't feel good at all....

I felt pretty good most of the day, and then around 5PM I felt lousy and throughout the rest of the evening. Little dizzy and nauseous--

I have decided to go back for an MRI since it has been 5 1/2 years since the first one. I wonder if something has changed, another bleed, I doubt it. That darn mind sure likes to wander.

And, I keep going back to how can I live like this the rest of my life? How can I not?

I think for myself personally I am going to stick with the subconscious knowing the real truth, but on a day to day basis just give it my best shot!

Sigh....