Sensations I have felt during this process

The following are sensations I have felt during my recovery:

Here is one example of what happened to me during my recovery. I decided to go to my first party. I had a great time while I was there, did some karaoke, enjoyed dinner, I was a little concerned but I seemed ok. I got home, told my husband what a good time I had and jumped into bed. All of sudden I felt the sensation of flying through the wall and that the wall was flying at me. My husband just held me until the blessed "episode" passed. After it happened my heart was pounding so hard and my fear factor was off the chart, I was afraid to move at all for at least an hour. I went fetal, just trying to regain my composure. I had experienced "episodes" like this many times before, but when it happens it effects your confidence to face the next day. I stayed home most of the next day, relied on humor to get me through, made jokes about flying on the ground, etc.

It is amazing what you can get through. For a girl who doesn't like to fly in a plane, all of a sudden I was flying in my own bed!

Couldn't have survived without my husband...

This blog is about how I couldn't have survived this ordeal without my strongest supporter, my husband. The year was 2004 and my husband had just lost his Mother in June. It was a very stressful time and we were so looking forward to going on vacation with friends in December. We had everything all packed and ready to go the week before the trip. I planned a little Birthday party for him on December 17 as we were leaving the next day. But, the brain bleed/stroke took place on December 16. Our children were able to go with out friends and the two of us spent the next week in this bizarre odyssey- learning of brain bleeds, double vision, severe vertigo, questioning my future and what our future lives would look like. But basically, it was plain old fear coupled with disappointment which stared us in the face everyday. I have tried to express to him many times how I could not have endured this without his strength and perserverence, but there are not words. But thank you , Ken. Little did we know that it was going to be a long road back now being at the 5 year mark. My husband had to pick up most of the slack, there were so many things I could no longer do. But, the whole point of this blog is to tell you the reality of my experience, hence you will hear the whole story.

My friend Faye

Faye came over all the time, always bringing me food, always cheerful, sometimes just sitting on the couch and she would watch me sleep.Faye and I are both products of strong family bonds. We worry about our children's generation and that we know how different things will probably be. I am sure our parents said the same things about us. They might live far away, but not feel the same way we do about family traditions. But we have each other. Faye and I.

The first weeks of my brain blog

Now I have a diagnosis, have the privilege of understanding what happened to me. At first the doc said it would be 6 months , s0 I thought I would survive 6 months and then back to the old me.

Most of my time was spent sleeping, venturing out a little bit with friends and my husband. It was like learning life all over again. My first trip to the grocery store was freaky--noisy, too much light and worst of all I felt like an invalid. Needing help to walk in case I lost my balance. Having difficulty reading labels. After several weeks I tried going to the health club which was totally scary-- when I walked in I wanted to go home. My husband helped me to conquer the fear of being there and I just sat on a bike just to get the feel of it. I was really scared. Couldn't wait to come home. Some friends would come over for dinner or bring meals, or just sit with me while I slept.

There were some very special people who were there for me constantly and I will never forget those days. Going out to dinner was extremely difficult, the noise , the lights. Our friends got use to go to the early bird special if you wanted to eat with us . Too noisy otherwise. After the first month I went back to work. Going back to work was the equivalent of just sitting there and listening to other people interact. I was just really pretending...But, my biggest fear was the fear of becoming full of fear-- I had to go and do no matter what. I couldn't let myself give in to IT.

Got Brain Bleed, Video Blog 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FK7KclbfPs

Revised version of blog 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H80bhwKLvwk

When I was younger

When I was a child , maybe 10 years-old, I would wake up having what I thought were nightmares.I felt like I was falling, screaming , scratching the falls,bumping things off the walls. My sister would get up with me to help calm me down and we would often go to the kitchen. In the kitchen she would make me a magical drink to put me back to sleep. A fizzy. How often it happened, I do not remember. And, it wasn't until the doc prodded me about my new brain bleed and that it must of happened before, it came pouring out.
It also explains why I had a huge fear of being dizzy, hated merry go round rides, ferris wheels, couldn't learn to dive, somersaults, flying. In someways it was a relief to understand those fears I had carried with me all my life. Thank heavens my parents did not take me to the doctor. This was before MRI machines and who knows what they could have tried to do with me.

Continuing my brain bleed event

The next day I went to see an eye doctor who was a friend of ours who knew something was terribly wrong. He sent me for an MRI, this time I was going to do it because they were going to drug me enough so I could tolerate being in the tube. I was also referred to see a neuro-opthamologist which I had never heard of before. It was right before XMAS and he managed to fit me in -- he read my MRI and knew exactly what it was that I had. A cavernous angioma. My life would never be the same. He mentioned to me that there was scar tissue in the same spot where this new ocurrence had happened. I of course said no, way. He said, yes, way... He asked me to describe what happened the other day and then of course, I remembered it all. It was in my childhood. I will explain that to you next time.

How it all started

This blog is designed to help me process the last 5 years of my life. It started on Dec. 16,2004 with a cold. I stayed home because I had a cold and was just laying in bed and all of sudden it started. How to describe it? I flew to the floor, tried hanging on to the legs of the bed because the floor had fallen out from under me. The room was spinning and it felt like I was spinning down a toilet bowl. I didn't scream because it was so foregin to me. I just wanted to live through it. Thought I was dying, thought of Sanford and Son, that my time had come. I crawled, I had double vision, my heart raced. I will write more about it next time. Nicki

My First Video Blog

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFDSS-nkT1c

please check it out :)