In the first years of my health issues I ....

In the first years of my health issues I relied heavily on asking Dr. Phil Gorelik how to cope, e-mailing him on bad days telling him I can't do this another day. Asking how long symptoms would last, that I was scared, that I was falling apart....

He always gave me something to hold onto , to grasp to get through another day. To cling to. To hear that I would get better.

He has no idea how much he helped me to cope and to cope for such a long period of time.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years.

Then, it was finally time for surgery. Brain surgery. Could you imagine? Me?

I have been down the rabbit hole for so long...i

I have been down the rabbit hole for so long, it is an adjustment to come out. At first I started by just popping my head out, smelling the grass again, remembering the old days. Living the life of Alice from Alice in Wonderland took 7 long years. Scary, uncertainty, bizarre, but I'm out of the rabbit hold. Happy to be out, but taking fragile steps....

There is no doubt that my concentration is...

There is no doubt that my concentration is affected since the surgery, really before too.

I hate to admit it, but I have had some memory loss which I am getting back as I come out of my fog.

I have to work harder to concentrate when people are talking to me some of the time.

When you are dancing with death...

When you are dancing with death be sure to not let him lead. He is going to push, try to make you weak, give in, scare you. But, push back, hang on, think of the reasons you have to live for.

Don't let him lead, you have reasons to live for.

Today is my 1st Anniversary...

Today is my 1st Anniversary of my surgery! What a year! It was a rough year , but I'm here and the surgery was successful. I still have a long recovery ahead, but I am this far.

It is a good thing when I walked into that hospital a year ago that I did not know what was ahead, it was better for me to not know very much and trust in them and G-d to take care of me.

I was one of the lucky ones. Successful surgery.Lots of family support. I couldn't have done it without them. And great friends to help me through the healing...

I am a frequent flyer and have never left the ground...

I am a frequent flyer and have never left the ground. It all started 7 years ago when I flew off my bed and the bumpy flight continued as the room continued to spin , had double vision and started crawling, hanging on to the bed post for dear life.

To tell you the truth, I don't even like to fly in a real plane, let alone my brain flying me around the room. The scariest moment in my life.

My body is angry, pissed off...

I went to see a doc and had to love her. She described my body as angry. Loved the expression, never thought of it in that way. And so true. How much can a body endure.

LIving out of focus...

Living out of focus, can't say I recomment it. Ghost images, having to converge things and people, seeing double. All of a sudden I felt like I went from 50 to 80. Having to watch my step, not driving, patching one eye, feeling dizzy. And my face, my beautiful face turned me into a ghoulish girl. I was so drugged and so out of it, I didn't even realize how bad my face looked. It is getting better with the help of acupuncture and the tincture of time. Western medicine is all about the tincture of time.

Easy for them to say.

I have been dealing with this problem for 7 years...i

I have been dealing with this problem for 7 years...every meal was like getting on a ride and feeling like I was going in a circle, or a rectangle. Always anxious to get home to relax. It was a combination of the noise, the lights, people laughing loudly (lucky them), etc.

I pretended that I was having a good time, but my husband and people who knew me well knew how difficult it truly was.

Always anxious for the meal to be over so I go home.

Sometimes my hands would just go up in the air and come back down. After awhile I got use to that since it happened so many times. You actually start to think it is normal behavior.

Many events I would attend and last half an hour and half to leave since I couldn't handle it. I was afraid of going into a spin, dry heaves I saved for the parking lot.

So fun to be with!!!

I can walk 30-40min.s a day for the first time...

I can walk 30-40 min.s a day for the first time. My vision is what I describe as jumping vision so it is exhausting to walk that long. I am practicing for myself and also so I can go and visit my daughter in NYC. You can imagine how much vestibular stimulation there will be walking down the sidewalks of NYC...

Sstarting to hold the phone with my left ear...

Starting to hold the phone with my left ear again. I can't do it completely, but can a little bit.

I keep practicing turning my body to the left also, even though it makes me dizzy. The docs want me to be able to turn left so my body can make a full recovery. It will also help me to walk straighter.

I am feeling better , but I know I still have a long

I am feeling better, but I know I still have a long way to go. I have trouble looking up, easier to look down. My head still hurts, not a headache, but head hurting. My doc said it is because the neurons are still trying to figure out how to adjust from the surgery.

I practice turning to the left , but I must have my head elevated and can't do it for long.

I am practicing turning to the left everyday.

THe doc says this will help my balance get back to normal when I can lay to the left.

It's been 10 mos. since surgery and I have ....

It's been 10 mos. since surgery and I have started to walk outside for the first time. I walk for half an hour . It is helping my eyes adjust to the world because of my trouble with vestibular stimulation. It's a start.

I heard on the news that it is the Anniv. of the ADA

I heard on the news that it is the Anniversary of the Am. Disabilities Act . OF course, it didn't phase me at all. Now, it has new meaning to me. I am sorry that I didnt' appreciate what it meant at the time.

Went out to dinner last night and as it got more

Went out to dinner last night and as it got more noise I felt the dizzy thing coming. It was like they were all a jumble below me and I was on top of them. Maybe I was climbing to safety to be above them. It has been a long time since I have felt that way and just thought to myself. Oh yeah, I remember this. Ya just have to cope, remember?

I drove for the first time...

I drove for the first time by myself. It has been 10 mo.s since I have driven by myself!

I have practiced with my husband and kids and friends. So, this was my first time!

It was so empowering to go solo.

I can't go far, but I am starting to be on the road again.

Today is Sept 14 and I woke up for the first time

Today is Sept 14 and I woke up for the first time feeling better! I can feel a bump up which I havn't had for a long time. More clear, more energy, more thinking. I went out to dinner for the first time and didn't patch. That is the very first time since the surgery.

I am starting to drive.

I can get more done in a day.

I am writing more.

My neurons are still confused since surgery...

My neurons are still confused since the surgery. It is hard to turn my head to the left without feeling dizzy. I can a little bit and I know it will continue to get better.

I can't lay on my left side because that would put me into a spin.

I went for P.T. and she had me lay to the left side for 4 min.s and I had an awful spin.

So, now I do my own P.T. , I work at it slowly.

I've been othered...

I have been othered... Once you have a medical problem that changes your life, you are othered. You are a train wreck, you are a gaper's block, you are never the same.

You feel that people think of you differently, some people don't want to ask when it is obvious by looking at you that you have had something happen to you.

You hear people laughing in a restaurant and you are not going to break out in a big laugh like that.

Probably not.

Your life has changed for evermore.

Still thankful to be alive.

NO matter how you try family issues ...

No matter how you try family issues rise up when you are sick and your family is healthy.You can get edge, feel left out because you can't do all the things that they can do, you slow them down when you are with them. You get crabby at them and they certainly have reason to get crabby with you.

You sometimes feel abandoned, alone, like an invalid (in valid), awful thoughts.

Your kids are upset because you are not well and it changes your plans, vacations. They can get angry even if they understand.

Your husband is tired of doing everything.

Friends and relatives wonder why they havn't heard from you for so long.

This is not for the weak of heart.

I am doing so much better, but sometimes I can't

I am doing so much better, but sometimes I just can't stand it. I think I can't do it one more day. But, I really know I can. I just get so sick and tired of it. I know there are much more horrible things, but I get so tired of it...

I am starting to drive...8/24/12

I am starting to drive a bit. Practicing in parking lots , off hours, just in the neighborhood.

I have to patch my left eye all the time.

I am getting a tad of confidence at it.

I am asking my doc for a letter that says I have permission to drive.

And, I am going to take a test at a local hospital who offers tests that are not processed through the motor vehicle dept. It will make me feel better to take their test.

Myt double vision is improving...

My double vision is improving. I am keeping my patch off more and I believe it is helping my vision. I still have to converge my vision, have ghost images, etc. But it is getting better.

I swam across the pool for the first time....

I swam across the pool for the first time and could continue to go back and forth for a bit.

Up till now I would just swim pretty much in one spot, but now I can go back and forth . It was a little uncomfortable at first since I suffer from vestibular problems and movement would make me nauseous, but it is better! It is still hard to swim to the left, but I am getting better at it everyday.

I tried working with a physical therapist and they went way to fast for me, so I am better going slowly at my own rate....

I am going for acupuncture and I think it is....

I am going for acupuncture and I think it is really helpful....

I recommend that you try it if you have some bells palsy like symptoms...

Today I tried electrical stim that they put in the needles. I hope it works.

I can already see some lines returning to my face, so once she gets the lines backon my face then I can have them removed for beauty purposes! Ha,ha!

When you are ready join the Cavernous Angioma...

When you are ready join the Cavernous Angioma Alliance for support. At first, I couldn't join because I couldn't face the fact that I was part of this group. Denial. It took a long time before I would even look for the site.

What a mistake.

Having support and sharing info with others is very therapeutic.

Don't wait like I did.

My family is leaving for Alaska tomorrow...

MY FAMILY IS LEAVING FOR VACATION TOMORROW. THEY ARE GOING TO ALASKA FOR AN ACTIVE TRIP OF FLY FISHING, CANOEING, CAMPING, ETC. I AM HAPPY FOR THEM AND IT IS A NICE BREAK FOR THEM AFTER ALL THEIR HELP WITH MY ISSUES.

IT WILL BE A GOOD EXPERIMENT FOR ME TO BE MY MYSELF AND MAKE MY OWN PLANS. LUCKILY, I DO HAVE SOME HELP IN THE MORNING AND PLAN TO GET A LOT OF THINGS ACCOMPLISHED.

IT'S DIFFERENT, BUT GOOD.

I always have to remind myself...

I always have to remind myself when I am feeling better to not push. Every time I push and start planning too much in a day I get in trouble. Like yesterday.

First of all, I walked the dog with my daughter , then went to lunch and then downtown to see a performance of "The Million Dollar Quartet". My husband dropped me off which we thought was the right place and all of a sudden, I am in the middle of a street fair and we keep walking the wrong way to the theater. So, we finally make it to the theater and the music was WAY to LOUD for me. I suffered through, took a xanax. Even though I was over tired I stayed and didn' listen to my body!!!!

I was toast the rest of the day, I was afraid I was going to have a spin and overall pretty miserable.

LIsten to your body...

On the subject of death...

On the subject of death we all like to say we are not afraid and that are day will come. But, when you have to face d eath and have surgery that could cause permanent damage it is always a little different. Not so brave. Denial? I can't right now, too much to do , too busy, I gotta raise my kids.

We are all just saying, we really want to live.

Bad things happen to other people, not to us.

Well. That all changed when the first time we had to shake in our own boots.

The answer? We do the best we can. Some answers we will never get.

The answer to me is being loved , being a good person, being remembered.

I think we just really don't get to understand, we just trust that there is some plan for us which is way over our heads no matter what religion you are.

Just be good, be kind, and help to repair this world to the best of your capacity.

So many different kind of spins....

Over the past 7 years I have had so many different spins -some violent, some putting me on the floor, some that were large, long spins, like a carousel ride. Some up and down, some putting me through the wall and right back at me.

So many kinds....

I remember when I was younger and a cousin...

I remember when I was younger and we had a cousin who was in a wheelchair and he was always drooling and had to wear a bib. I never went to visit him or talk to him very much when we were at functions together. I am sorry I didn't do that. You never think things will happen to you and that you one day can be the one they are starting at, or feeling sorry for.

I tried to do some energy work....

I tried to do some energy work which consists of laying down while the physical therapist places her hands on your meridians to reignite the energy in my body. I tried it about 3 times, maybe you need to stick with it longer, but it wasn't for me. I didn't feel anything from it.

I've gone before and got better results, so try it and see if it works for you.

Sometimes I feel like a mini elevator

Sometimes I feel like a mini elevator. Always going up and down, up and down. I suppose that is because I have jumping vision.

Other times I just feel like I am on a constant cruise ship, moving side to side, or up and down.

Believe it or not, you get use to it.

I don't think I would remember what normal is.

When you go for an MRI I suggest...

When you go for an MRI I suggest that you offer to pay cash instead of using your insurance.

My last out of pocket MRI was still $2800 and I have friends who negotiate up front and are paying a lot less.

One thing I have learned from being sick so long, try anything and ask about everything.

Just went to my high school reunion....

Just went to my high school reunion which I almost didnt go to because of my face. My face is mishap-en from the surgery and I wasn't sure I could handle it. I went and had a marvelous time. People were so understanding and the many hugs always help to push you along. I didn't want to be in the class picture so I allowed myself to skip that part. But, I'm glad I went. I am alive and must enjoy whatever I can.

The only disappointing part was I had to leave early both nights and missed out on seeing a long of the people. But, I was there and it warmed my heart....

The most important thing you need to bring to...

The most important thing you must bring to the hospital is your own advocate. To oversee what is going on.

For instance:

1) When I woke up in ICU I had severe vertigo and couldn't move an inch with out swirling off into outer space, squeezing my husband to death and hoping they would give me something to calm down.

When you are waking up from surgery they will not give you anything because they want to make sure all systems are go, so bring someone with you. THey will ask that person to leave, but don't let them. Call your doc, do whatever, but don't be alone.

The nurses wanted me to sit up and I could not. I kept telling them that because of the vertigo and the pain in my neck was so great. They kept insisting so they could do the straw test to make sure you can swallow, but we said to call my doc who said I did not have to sit up, they could do the straw test sitting down.

Also, you must have someone with you the whole time because I tried to get out of bed and unplug myself because I was so drugged. So, it is important to not be alone.

wHEN YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL ...

WHEN YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL BRING YOUR OWN PILLOW, A PROJECT ( i LIKE TO KNIW SO I BROUGHT AN EASY PROJECT I COULD DO AND DIDN'T CARE IF IT CAME OUT OR NOT). I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH TV OR LISTEN TO MUSIC. JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

JUST MAKE SURE YOU BRING SOMETHINGS TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE SOME OPTIONS. MAYBE ONE OR TWO PICTURES BECAUSE THEY ARE EASY TO LOSE IN THE HOSPITAL. fORGET ABOUT BUYING A NICE NIGHTGOWN, I I NEVER FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO PUT A NICE NIGHTGOWN ON. HOPEFULLY, YOU WILL BRING ONE AND GET TO ENJOY WEARING ONE.

I went to a party with a lot of my cousins....

I went to a party with a lot of my cousins and it wasn't easy. I felt tearful, felt like a Martian from outer space, once you have a chronic health problem you know you are different, you don't fit in like before, people look at you different. I have a patch over my eye and my lips aren't even I can't walk straight.

I stick out inside and out....

I've had a headache for 2 days and those....

I've had a headache for 2 days and those awful thoughts start messing with my mind. Why do I have a headache? Was it too much to go to the grocery store and the Target in one day? I guess so and now I get to pay for it.

The most amazing thing about this doc was...

The most amazing thing about this doc was that she really understood all the feelings I was having. Most of the time when you describe vestibular issues and brain surgery peope's attention span is about a minute. I had the sensation with this doc that she stepped right into my body and listened to the complaints my body was having. It was like she addressed them personally and listened to their pain and assured my heart and brain that she was there to help.

I went to the most amazing dr today....

I went to the most amazing dr today--she was a trauma neuro surgeon and I will tell you her story later. But , first, I have to write what she said about me. She had me hold a piece of medal in one hand and tested my other palm with a pen like apparatus. From the testing she reported many things about my body- my body is angry from all the change it has gone through, I had the cavernous angioma removed and my brain is struggling to adapt to all the new changes, ,my brain needs time for all the damaged bridges to repair, I have to learn to methods to work my body and my body has been compensating a life time dealing with doing it wrong, people have to be patient with me while I recover, I sometimes say things that I don't mean to say. I am still in the early stages of healing since my brain surgery was so major, worse than car accident trauma, similar to Congressman Gabi Giffords minus the gun shot. My body needs to learn sensory integration since I am out of whack. It will be awhile before I won't have double vision, better balance, coordianation.

It was like she was talking directly to my heart and my brain and it made me cry. It was like the first time someone talked to my body and said, you've been through a lot and it is time for a little grief therapy. Don't rush. Be patient as you heal.

While I am recovering from my surgery...

While I am recovering from my surgery, I have been lucky enough to have my daughter home to help me out. Sometimes I call her Mrs. Sullivan and I call myself Ann. I can see with one eye, but it still causes distortion when you look at the world, and it certainly is hard to see peripherally.

Often someone will take my hand when I walk.

It is so weird to not be ok.

I went to dinner tonight and felt....

I went to dinner tonight and felt like a slinky, my body moves around , up and down, over to the sides, whatever. And I am thinking everybody else in the restaurant is not feeling the WEIRD sensations that I am having, they can't even imagine. I am happy for them, but I know my world is different and may be like this forever more.

It kind of reminds me of going down the rabbit hole. I live in a different world, just like Alice in her Wonderland, NIcki lives in a kind of movable, weird, rolling land. At least I don't fly through walls like I use to. That was too freaky for words.

Sometimes I feel my body is being pulled...

Sometimes I feel my body is being pulled without my direction. It just feels like you are being pulled and it is scary, uncomfortable. Out of control.

You can be pulled up, down, sideways, just pulled against your wishes.

It is hard to describe out of the ordinary feelings, but they exist.

Believe me.

We all have to grieve for our body as we once new it...

We all have to grieve for our body as we once knew it. We can't help but remember how it use to be and what you use to be able to do.

We are thankful for what we can do, but we wouldn 't be human if we didn't grieve for what our bodies use to do.

When you are depressed try singing,

When you are depressed try singing, listening to comedians, watch a good movie, talk to a friend, think of the things that you can do, think of all the other brave people you know who endured as you are or have in the past...

Or take a break, and don't try.

Be upset, be angry for awhile until it passes...

When you are depressed try singing,

There are so many things I can't do...

There are so many things I can't do, but there are so many things I can do.

I know I shouldn't complain , but I do think about all the things I can no longer do.

Hard to travel, hard to go for a walk because of problems with my vestibular syster, can't ride a bike, can't do most sports, can't play golf, the list goes on and on.

But, I am here and I can do a lot of things. I have my legs, my arms, my brain, can see with one eye, can swim.

I am greatful, but the mind does wonder back to the old days...

I had the surgery in Nov and in Dec the strangest...

I had my surgery in Nov and in Dec the strangest thing yet started to happen to me. I would be sound asleep and wake up feeling like I was shot out of a canon and the ball was my head flying so fast that I fell out of bed, panting, waiting for my flight to stop. My husband would help me lie down and it would happen again and then a third time. My heart beat so fast I thought it would never stop. This happened periodically for a few months and I pursued answers from all my docs. Finally, I got an answer from my optometrist who suggested wearing a medical collar for sleep. For some reason it worked, no move night flying and back to peaceful rest. Maybe I was pressing on a nerve, maybe I was turning to the left which was always hard for me?

Whatever.It stopped.

I could breathe again.

The huge fear, the aftershocks, the depression from the frightening experience is now just a memory.

I went to the grocery store the other night...

I went to the grocery store the other night which seemed to heighten my vision issues. Everything looked so bright and colorful that I felt like I was walking through a kaleidoscope. It started to make me feel not so good and couldn't wait to finish.

It reminded me that life was different for me now. I was different, not just a regular old shopper.

There must be a reason...

There must be a reason that I have survived....My friend just called and was offering her support to be. We started to discuss the myriad of people we know with medical illnesses or have dropped dead of something or other. So, I must be strong, get well and be there to help others.

G-d give me strength to find the balance in my life , to help myself and to help others.

I'm mad , I'm tired of this....

I'm mad, I'm tired of this, could I have Saturday nights off? I am patient, I do appreciate that I can see and walk, BUT, I'm tired of stumbling, walking like I'm drunk, having a hard time seeing the steps, getting through an evening out takes so much effort.

I don't want to be afraid to go to bed because I might have a spin.

I'm just tired of this!

Finally, I get to leave the hospital after 8-9 days

Finally, I get to leave the hospital after 80r9 days. I am nervous about flying home since I still don't feel good and flying is not one of my favorite things to do. For the first time in my life I have to be put on the plane in a wheelchair since I cannot walk! The hospital drugged me up good enough so I was comfortable and didn't mind the flight. Acturally, I thought I was on a space ship and in a garden that smelled so beautiful.

When we arrived in Chicago I went straight to the Rehab Institute of Chicago. I knew I was going there, but it still was quite a shock to me to be there. I didn't quite comprehend what I was going to be doing there or why. Denial is amazing!

When you go to the hospital bring.

When you go to the hospital always bring your favorite pillow and some small pillows to prop you up. Also a blanket that is comfy....

Don't bring personal stuff like pictures because you are going to lose them...

I don't remember much from my hospital days...

I don't remember much from my hospital days-- I dreamt a lot about people in my life both past and present. I dreamt that everyone came to see me and to wish me will during my recovery.

My memories of my 8 or 9 days at the hospital were quite different then the stories my family told me about them. Maybe it was meant to be a blessing. To help to wash away the fear of what I was going through. It was like going down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland, my days filled with pieces of memories, some real, some not.

My family told me I tried to climb out of bed, and to rip off my IV. I thank them for watching over me. I thank medical technology, my doc, the nurses, my family for saving me.

My next days in the hospital were long....

My next days in the hospital were long. I swear one hour in the hospital is like 3 outside in the real world. I kept asking my daughter if it was time for dinner and she would often tell me it wasn't even lunch time. I dreamt a lot about friends and family which was a wonderful coping mechanism when you are trying to heal from the shock of surgery . It took me quite awhile before I realized that I had trouble walking, that my left eye wouldn't shut , that I now had some bell palsy ish qualities to my face. The doc reassured me that everything would come back to normal.

My first night after surgery...

My first night after surgery was so uncomfortable, but at least I wasn't as dizzy as earlier that day.

I slept restlessly and the only thing that gave me comfort was knowing that Ken was in the room watching over me.

I was told by my family that I tried to get out of my bed and unhook myself for the next days. I believe it is sometimes referred to as ICU shock. Sometimes patients are so OUT OF IT that they try to do some of the things that I was doing.

IT is a good thing I was so drugged and don't remember much from those days. The doc originally told me my recovery would be 4 nights in the hospital--mine was 9 nights and then 8 nights in rehab. I will tell you about that later.

I woke up after surgery to the most frightful...

I woke up after surgery to the most frightful experience in my life. Besides the pain in my neck, if I tried to move at all , it would send me into a terrible spin. I grabbed my poor husband over and over again the minute it would start. I tried desperately to not move at all out of fear of the vertigo spin. I hung onto the bars of the gurnee for dear life and just remained like a deer in the headlights for what seemed like quite a long time. The nurses tried to get my husband to leave me, but he would not leave me in this terrible predicament. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. THe nurses wanted me to sit up to see if I could swallow and I said there was no way I could move that much for even a few seconds. They finally called the doc and he approved that I did not need to sit up, I could be tested by lying down. THankfully my husband wasn't going to be pushed around.

I was the last gurnee to leave the ICU area, just pushing the bed was enough to make me uncomfortable. What a night I had.

I decided to call it the one minute surgery...

I decided to call it the one minute surgery as a coping mechanism.

I had to think of it as just going to sleep and just waking up one minute later.

I was passed the point of the tremendous fear I had yesterday, I knew I was going to do it.

There were no more options and I wanted to be done fearing for my life and wanted to enjoy my life.

I knew the surgery was going to be long, I had an idea of what they were going to do, that was enough info for me.

I know other people like to know every detail of the procedure, NOT ME!!!!

I arrive in California for my surgery....

I arrive in California and my heart and soul turn to jello.

When we are at the hotel I feel like my feet don't touch the floor, like I can't walk to the bathroom, like I am trying to swim through the apt.

My strength evaporates into thin air.

I am trying to be a good role model for my children and I can't do it.

At one point they go out for awhile and then I start to lose it. Total fear, can't do the surgery, fear of dying, fear of a bad outcome, fear of waking up in a wheel chair.

When my family comes back, I totally have my melt down. They listen patiently to my concerns and fears. My husband says just think about it, you don't have to decide to do it. It felt better to be left off the hook.

I calm down and I know in my heart that I will and must do the surgery.

So many phone calls about my surgery...

I received many phone calls from friends and relatives about my inpending surgery. Most of the phone calls were well meaning, most of the phone calls scared the death out of me. I even had a few about if they were going to take my eye out. Most of them were how scary and once again, they knew somebody who died from brain bleeds. It was time to go underground. I stopped answering my phone and stopped calling people to tell them I was going to have the surgery.

It was just too scary.

I listened to music, went to swimming and tried to just ZEN out to the best of my ability.

The time for surgery had come....

The time for surgery had come... I knew in my heart and my body that it was time. I was afraid of having another brain bleed at any minute. So, it was scheduled through a lot of hard work, research, finding all my records, and many phone calls to Stanford U where the surgery was to be performed.

The date was set.

Nov. 2.

California, here I come.

Felt unsure after the surgery....

Felt unsure of myself after the surgery. Nervous to do to much so took it easy. I was still having trouble every time I stood up, unsteady and had to wait for the dust to clear out of my head.

Scared now that I could not put surgery off any longer. For the first time I felt myself wanting the surgery, and not waiting for another trip to the emergency room.

Northwestern hospital decided that

Northwestern Hospital decided that they were not sure what I had, maybe a migraine. Sent me home. Two more long days of being scared to death, waiting to have another brain bleed and that would be the end of me.