I still want my Mom, but she gave me the skills...

I still want my Mom , but she did give me the skills to cope with life and deal with whatever life gives you. Her mother and father came to this country to escape the Cossacks because of our Jewish faith. They worked hard and my grampa died of an appendicitis in his 20s. Can you imagine?

So, my mother grew up very poor, worked hard and was the first in the family to graduate from a University, in Economics no less...

So, she was scrappy, smart and tough as nails.

When my Mother was dying she gave me her final lesson , how to die with dignity and grace.

NO arguing, no negotiating with G-d, acceptance.

I was lucky to have her and now I carry her in my heart wherever I go.

Thanks, Mom...

I'm 57 & I still want my mom...

I 'm 57 and I still want my mom to talk to , to comfort me. She has been gone 12 years and I miss her everyday. What would she counsel me to do about all this? Be strong, live and fight on...

I know this might sound macabre , but I will tell you Mr. Blog anyways.... Sometimes, I picture her coming out of the cemetery just to give me a kick in the rears... And sometimes she has to bring Grama too. Anything to keep me on track.

You are never too old to want your Mom. And she left me too young even though I was 44....

I miss you Mom and I want you to know that I do remember everything you said.

I drove by a Disability Event ....

I drove by a Disability Event at our local high school and I was always compassionate towards people who were pysically challenged , etc.

But, this time I saw the event different eyes...

You are my diary, I have to be honest and tell you every thought I have...

I never pictured myself as being disabled...

I never pictured myself as being disabled.... That is probably politically incorrect to say, but that is how it feels. How could that have possibly happened to me? No one ever thinks it is going to be knocking at your door... It is just something you just hear about it and is never going to be at your door.

But, I am...

I have permanent disabilities that will be with me the rest of my life. And, even more things could happen to me...

This is all weighing heavily on my mind because I just went to the doctor.

Besides, this is my blog and my place to spill.

How did I get here? I wonder who else in my family had a cavernous angioma and never got to know what was happening to them.

I am so thankful for MRI machines and the opportunity to understand what has happened to me....

When the doc was explaining to me...

When the doc was explaining to me about the possibility of brain surgery, I can't help but conjure up Mel Brooks and the actress singing in the background. It's funny how the mind works to help you through difficult situations... I guess I always go to humor...

Since the brain bleed 5 1/2 years I have started to think of the length of my days.... I guess I thought of it before, but not really seriously....

But, once you are sobbing in the doctor's office over a medical situation you start to wonder what your length of days will be...

It is like an out of body experience to know that you might need not just surgery, but very dicey surgery. And, of course, you might come out with a new or even worse disabilities.

There is nothing like thinking things to death, I might say. And, pardon the expression....

When I went to the doc the other day...

When I went to the doc the other day to discuss the possibility of brain surgery and it is amazing how the body reacts.

The week before I had an MRI and had to have an IV inserted into my hand which was not a problem at all at the time.

But, when the doc started talking to me about my brain bleed, my hand started throbbing and continued to throb for several days.

Interesting how the body lets you know that you are hurting....

When I was a kid I was the only one in my family

When I was a kid I was the only one in my family who didn't need glasses... I always prided myself on my 20/20 vision and not having to take the endless trips to the eye doc as my sisters did.

Also, they both had to do eye exercises for lazy eye on top of it!

Funny how it all works out. I'm the one with the serious vision problems. Would be lost without my glasses... Do eye exercies and have 2 pair of glasses, one for distance and one for reading. I can't handle bifocals at all.

Awful Thoughts return...

Awful thoughts return after going to the doc and reviewing my latest MRI. NO change, but we had THE TALK....

I could blow at any time...

If I do it is straight to the emergency room and it probably means surgery.

Very dicey surgery because of the locations--my Cavernous Angioma is in my brain stem.

It's dangerous, but I am counting on making it through the surgery but who knows what condition I will be in.

They know for sure it would set me back... Maybe back to vertigo? Double Vision?

Could I survive that again?

So, hopefully I won't leak again--

I am feeling scared, sarcastic, why me...

I havn't slept the last 2 days, so hopefully my spirits will lift by tomorrow...

My favorite movie was always Harold & Maude...

My favorite movie was always Harold and Maude from my college years. Little did I know that I would often remember that amazing story...

It's about a young man who is suicidal and learns to cope and enjoy life from a woman who is at the end of her life.

All through the movie she sings, "If you want to be high be high, If you want to be low , be low",

I believe it is from a Cat Stevens song.

So, I hope I can help some young person or persons cope with this malady...

I will never forget that movie...

I went golfing with a friend on vacation...

I went golfing with a friend on vacation and I was really worried that I would be ok. At that stage of my recovery it was very difficult to play golf because of my vertigo issues and all the various difficulties I had....

I made it through golf just fine and when I went up to my hotel room I was afraid to lie down to rest.

Afraid I would have a dizzy attack and be all by myself and freak out.

So, I paced the hotel room for awhile , did deep breathing and waited until I was sure I could lie down for a bit.

Crazy days.

My husband knew, but really nobody else knew how difficult it was...